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How to Determine Which Programming Language You're Using

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Dragoslav Krunić

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icon How to Determine Which Programming Language You're Using02.11.2002. u 23:23 - pre 202 meseci
The proliferation of modern programming languages which seem to have stolen countless features from each other sometimes makes it difficult to remember which language you're using. This guide is offered as a public service to programmers in such dilemmas. If you have anything to add, please email me.

C

You shoot yourself in the foot.

Assembly

You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The system administrator comes over and shoots you in the foot. After a moment of contemplation, the admin shoots himself in the foot and then hops around rapidly shooting everyone else in sight.

APL

You hear a gunshot and there's a hole in your foot, but you can't remember enough linear algebra to understand what the hell happened.

C++

You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical is nearly impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others saying, "that's me over there."

Ada

If you are dumb enough to actually use this language, the United States Department of Defense will kidnap you, stand you in front of a firing squad and tell the soldiers, "Shoot at his feet."

Modula/2

After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in the language, you should yourself in the head.

sh, csh, etc

You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you spend five hours reading man pages before you give up, shoot the computer and switch to C.

Smalltalk

You spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing system that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your workstation and makes you develop in COBOL on a character terminal.

Fortran

You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-processing ability.

Algol

You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket. The musket is aesthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the adolescent medic in the emergency room.

COBOL

USEing a COLT45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER, and SQUEEZE. Then return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. Check whether shoelace needs to be retied.

BASIC

Shoot self in foot with water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.

PL/I

You consume all available system resources, including all offline bullets, The Data Processing & Payroll Department double its size, triples it's budget, acquires 4 new mainframes, and drops the original one on your foot.

SNOBOL

You grab your foot with your hand, then rewrite your hand to be a bullet. The act of shooting the original foot then changes your hand/bullet into yet another foot (left).

lisp

You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...

scheme

You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds. . .but none of the other appendages are aware of this happening.

FORTH

begin gun foot shot bullets not or blood until

HTML

You load the gun and take a picture of it. Then you ask someone to download the picture and a picture of a bloody foot.

JavaScript

You load the gun and take a picture of it. Then you ask someone to download it and shoot you in the foot with it. The best the can do is to download a picture of a bloody foot and put it on your foot.

Java

You get the gun and take aim. After pulling the trigger you are told you don't have permission to shoot yourself in the foot.

ActiveX

You ask someone to download the loaded gun and shoot you in the foot with it. They end up blowing your torso off.
 
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Trunks
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icon Re: How to Determine Which Programming Language You're Using03.11.2002. u 15:07 - pre 202 meseci
Lol, odlično!
:)
» Mom, mom, look what I did, mom!
» Look what I did to my hands, I broke 'em!
 
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turncoat
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icon Re: How to Determine Which Programming Language You're Using03.11.2002. u 20:44 - pre 202 meseci
A sta je sa Perlom?
"Ako hoćeš da saznaš, pristani na sve"
- Džoni Štulić
 
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Dragoslav Krunić

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icon Re: How to Determine Which Programming Language You're Using03.11.2002. u 20:56 - pre 202 meseci
Hehe, i ja čim sam video ovo odmah sa potražio ima li za Perl, ali na žalost nema Ubedljivo najjače je za ActiveX
 
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turncoat
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icon Re: How to Determine Which Programming Language You're Using03.11.2002. u 22:28 - pre 202 meseci
Meni je jace ovo za Javu. Nista ne mozes da uradis sto nije predvidjeno da smes...

"Ako hoćeš da saznaš, pristani na sve"
- Džoni Štulić
 
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MasterOfUndead
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icon Re: How to Determine Which Programming Language You're Using04.11.2002. u 04:26 - pre 202 meseci
Citat:
Modula/2

After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in the language, you should shoot yourself in the head.


Moram ovo da pokazem mom profi koji tvrdi da je module2 najbolji jezik :) pa onda nazalost mi radimo module2 umesto neceg pametnog :p
"...and the earth becomes my throne
I adapt to the unknown
under wandering stars I've grown
but myself but not alone
I ask no one!"
 
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Vojislav Milunovic

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icon Re: How to Determine Which Programming Language You're Using04.11.2002. u 10:27 - pre 202 meseci
Ali sve se zavesava isto, da upucas sebe u nogu.
Mislim, kako za koji jezik nesto se kaze - pucaj u nogu.
De je tu originalnost
 
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Dragoslav Krunić

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icon Re: How to Determine Which Programming Language You're Using04.11.2002. u 17:54 - pre 202 meseci
Ajde što moraš da kvariš atmosferu...
 
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impaque
Ivan Savčić
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icon Re: How to Determine Which Programming Language You're Using22.11.2002. u 01:25 - pre 201 meseci
super ;))
 
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