Computer Stupiditiesevo par bisera
I had just bought a new laser printer in the US when I received a very good job offer for the summer in Europe. So I called the printer manufacturer's help desk to find out if I could use the printer in Europe with 220 volts, or if they had a low cost transformer.
Me: "Hello, I have just bought your new (printer model), and I was wondering if I can use it in Europe with 220 volts?"
Tech Support: "Hmmm...let me see.... Here, ok, it says that the printer works with 120 volts, so 220 volts should be enough."
Me: "What?! If it is made only for 120 volts, and I hook it up to 220 volts, it's going to fry."
Tech Support: "Hmmm. You may need a surge protector."
...
I work at an ISP in the United Kingdom. The most shocking call I received came from a student at a local college here. He had received a CD for an ISP from an American friend.
Customer: "Hi there. I got this CD from an American, and he says that his ISP is better than mine because the calls are free. So can I install it?"
Me: "Yes sir, that's your choice completely. But is this an American ISP? Because if so, I don't think it will work with your computer."
Customer: "Listen, I happen to be a computer student. I know exactly what I'm doing, so don't insult my intelligence!" (click)
Ten minutes later, he called back, humbled.
Customer: "My computer exploded."
Me: "What!? How did that happen?"
Customer: "Well, the CD didn't work. I couldn't get through to the ISP. So, I changed the computer to American power."
He'd changed the voltage switch while the computer was on, causing the power supply to explode.
...
In college I worked as a consultant. One day this grad student was having trouble with his Fortran program and brought the printout to me. He said he kept changing things but couldn't get it to run correctly. His analysis: "I get the feeling that the computer just skips over all the comments."
....
This little bit of Java was written as part of a group project at university. The friend who passed it to me has been bouncing off the walls about the quality of the guilty party's code (silly things like defining error and success codes with the same value so you don't know what the return code means and stuff like that), but this is the most obviously stupid bit.
public int convertItoi(Integer v)
{
if (v.intValue()==1) return 1;
if (v.intValue()==2) return 2;
if (v.intValue()==3) return 3;
if (v.intValue()==4) return 4;
if (v.intValue()==5) return 5;
if (v.intValue()==6) return 6;
if (v.intValue()==7) return 7;
return 0;
}
....
I had this conversation recently with a lady who swore she had been using computers since forever.
Tech Support: "All right. Now click 'OK'."
Customer: "Click 'OK'?"
Tech Support: "Yes, click 'OK'."
Customer: "Click 'OK'?"
Tech Support: "That's right. Click 'OK'."
Customer: "So I click 'OK', right?"
Tech Support: "Right. Click 'OK'."
Pause.
Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."
Tech Support: "YOU CLICKED 'CANCEL'???"
Customer: "That's what I was supposed to do, right?"
Tech Support: "No, you were supposed to click 'OK'."
Customer: "I thought you said to click 'Cancel'."
Tech Support: "NO. I said to click 'OK'."
Customer: "Oh."
Tech Support: "Now we have to start over."
Customer: "Why?"
Tech Support: "Because you clicked 'Cancel'."
Customer: "Wasn't I supposed to click 'Cancel'?"
Tech Support: "No. Forget that. Let's start from the top."
Customer: "Ok."
I spent the next fifteen minutes re-constructing the carefully crafted setup for this lady's unique computer.
Tech Support: "All right. Now, are you ready to click 'OK'?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Great. Now click 'OK'."
Pause.
Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."
And people wonder why my mouse pad has a target on it labeled "BANG HEAD HERE."
....
Tech Support: "Thank you for calling customer service, and how may I help you?"
Customer: "I can't get it to do."
Tech Support: "Excuse me, ma'am?"
Customer: "I can't get my Internet to do."
Tech Support: "Let's check your setup."
Customer: "Okey dokey."
Tech Support: "Are you at your desktop?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Do a double click on the 'My Computer' icon."
Customer: "I don't see that one."
Tech Support: "What screen are you on, and what does you desktop look like?"
Customer: "Wood."
Tech Support: "What's on your screen, ma'am?"
Customer: "A bunch of names."
Tech Support: "Like what?"
Customer: "Bill, George, Larry, Jim."
Tech Support: "What screen are you on?"
Customer: "I am on the one I'm on. I need to go get my daughter. She's the computer guru of the family."
Tech Support: "Great, thank you."
April: "Hi, I'm April, and you are?"
Tech Support: "Mike."
April: "Mike. Cool, dude."
Tech Support: "Are you at your desktop?"
April: "You will have to excuse my mother. She's a little dense."
Tech Support: "No problem."
April: "How old are you?"
Tech Support: "300 years old. I'm the 'Highlander.' Um, would you do a double click on the 'My Computer' icon?"
April: "Sorry, I don't see that one."
Tech Support: "What do you see?"
April: "Bill, George, Larry, and Jim."
Tech Support: "What version of Windows are you using?"
April: "Ninety-something I guess."
Tech Support: "Erm. Shut down the computer and reboot."
April: "Ok...." (pause) "Done."
Tech Support: "What does your screen say?
April: "Bill, Larry, Jim, Barbie, and Wimper."
Tech Support: "Just for kicks, do a double click on 'Bill,' and see what happens."
April: "What is this?"
Tech Support: "What did it do?"
April: "It now has little folders: modems, devices, etc."
Tech Support: "Why was your 'My Computer' icon named Bill?"
April: "I wanted to name it something cute. Did I screw up?"
....
A gentleman with a western accent called up saying that he was not satisfied with our service and wished to cancel. After telling him that he would need to call back during business hours and speak with customer service, I asked if there was anything I could do to make the service more satisfactory.
Customer: "Well, I've had ya guys for months now, and still I can't get connected."
Tech Support: "Have you called us about this before?"
Customer: "Well, yes, a couple of times."
So I got his username and looked him up. Sure enough, there were two tech logs under his name, so I read them briefly. Virtually everything that could be checked had been checked. Something about the way he was talking to me made me a little curious, so I continued to ask questions.
Tech Support: "From what I can tell, the techs have helped you doublecheck your settings and everything should be perfectly fine. Do you use Netscape or Internet Explorer to connect?"
Customer: "Well, now, I dunno. I just use the stuff ya gave me. When I wanna get online, I click this here."
Tech Support: "Can you be a little more specific?"
Customer: "I move the little arrow here and click."
Tech Support: "Can you tell me what icons are on your desktop?"
Customer: "I ain't got no icons."
Tech Support: (blink) "You don't? None at all?"
Customer: "Nope."
Tech Support: "Well, ok. Do you have something on your desktop that says, 'Shortcut to [our Internet service]'?"
Customer: "No, I ain't got nothin' written like that on my desktop."
Tech Support: "Ok, um...can you tell me what's on your desktop, then?"
Customer: "Well, I gots me here a pencil, the computer, and my coffee."
Tech Support: "Um, all right...can you tell me what you see on the TV part of your computer?"
Customer: "On one side there's a buncha pictures, and across the top there's words."
Tech Support: "Good, sir, that's what I hoped you would say. The little pictures are called 'icons,' and the whole screen area that the little pictures are on is called the 'desktop.'"
Customer: "Oh. Hell, is that what you meant? I ain't the religious type, so don't keep no Marys or nothin' around."
Tech Support: "Um, yes, that's what I was meaning, sir. Now, on your screen, the desktop, do you see anything that says 'Shortcut to the Internet' or '[our Internet service]'?"
Customer: "Why, yes I do. In fact, that's what I click on when I try to connect."
Tech Support: "And then what happens sir?"
Customer: "Well, the computer makes all kinds of annoying sounds, then pops up a little thing sayin' I'm connected."
Tech Support: "Go--"
Customer: (interrupting) "Now before ya say anythin', I wantcha ta know it lies."
Tech Support: "It what?"
Customer: "The little thing sayin' I'm connected. It ain't talkin' the truth."
Tech Support: "Um...ok...what makes you say that?"
Customer: "Well, because after that nothin' happens. Nothin' at all."
Tech Support: "Excuse me?"
Customer: "Well, it says I'm connected, but nothin' else happens. I'm a patient man, but after about half an hour, my computer finally gives up the truth an' says I'm not connected no more."
Tech Support: "Have you tried using a web browser, sir? Do you get any kind of errors when you try opening a web page?"
Customer: "I'm tellin' you, nothin' happens."
Tech Support: "All right. What do you use for a web browser?"
Customer: "I'm not quite sure whatcha mean."
Tech Support: "Netscape Navigator? Internet Explorer? Do you use any programs like those?"
Customer: "Now why would I need anything like that? All I want to do is get connected."
Tech Support: "Right sir, you are getting conn--"
Customer: "Now listen here, I just done told ya that I'm not. I think I'd know if anything happened after I tried to connect. By now I'm getting rather frustrated, but still I press on."
Tech Support: "Ok, let me try to explain a couple of things. First of all, when most people talk about 'surfing the web' and 'getting on the Internet' they're usually talking about viewing web pages on the Internet."
Customer: "I follow ya."
Tech Support: "In order to view these pages, the person needs to run a web browsing program -- typically Netscape Navigator or Internet Explorer. These turn the information on a web site into a format that is understandable by an ordinary person."
Customer: "So I need one of them ta get connected?"
Tech Support: "Actually, sir, you are already getting connected. Once you get that 'connected' message, you need to open up a web browser."
Customer: "I do?"
Tech Support: "Yes, sir. On your screen, do you have a 'little picture' that looks like a big 'N' or do you have one that looks like an 'e'?"
Customer: "I got one what looks like an 'N'."
Tech Support: "All right, sir, here's what I want you to do: After hanging up with me, I want you to connect like you usually do. Once you get that 'connected' box to appear on your screen, I want you to click on the picture of an 'N'. If things still aren't happening after that, go ahead and call us back."
Customer: "All right, I'll try that, but I tell ya: ain't nothin' gonna happen."
The customer never called back. He also did not cancel his service the next day. The whole call took just over an hour and a half and I was ready to pull my hair out at several points. After the call, though, we were laughing over it for hours.
#!/usr/bin/basho
mv frog ancient_pond
echo "Splash!"
mv frog ancient_pond
echo "Splash!"
